Both football season and the college semester are coming to an end, a sad day for us all. Before we are forced to give up college football for another eight months, it's time to honor the frat stars who have been gracing our television screens this fall.
Who are these fratty fellows, you may ask? The men pacing the sidelines with clipboards in hand. The guys rocking everything from visors to three-piece suits. The legends who get paid millions to bring honor and glory to these fine universities. And here they are.
1. Kliff Kingsbury
Kliff looks like Ryan Gosling with Ray-Bans, seriously. He's the hot 35-year-old head coach for the Texas Tech Red Raiders. Back in the day, he also used to be the quarterback for Raiders, so you know he's legit. Despite a mediocre season this year, Kingsbury is best-known for battling his players to stanky leg dance-offs, and looking like a stud on the sideline.
2. Lane Kiffin
Lane Kiffin, where do we begin? Lane first came onto the mainstream scene when he was hired to be the youngest ever NFL head coach for the Oakland Raiders. He then managed to piss off the entire state of Tennessee after he bolted, just a year after accepting the job, for the University of Southern California, “his dream job.” Well, he managed to fuck that up and got fired at LAX after losing to Arizona State. You'd think he'd be unemployed by now, right? Wrong.
The Lord of College Football, Mr. Nick Saban, hired Lane Kiffin to come be his bitch at Alabama as his offensive coordinator. Kiffin now gets more attention at Alabama than anyone else. Note: while watching an Alabama football game, take a drink every time they show Lane Kiffin on the sideline. Chances are you won't remember the game.
3. Charlie Strong
Charlie Strong doesn't have players. He has pledges. Strong came in to the University of Texas program this season as the head coach with the purpose of winning football games and making his players into men.
Strong passed out eleven rules to each of his players, a code of conduct. The rules vary from “No earrings in the football building” to “Players learn that they will practice rather than milk a minor injury.” He kicked nine players off his team eight weeks into the season for breaking these rules. Charlie Strong is the nation's greatest pledge master.
4. Steve Spurrier
Steve Spurrier is one of the good ol' boys. One of the fraternity living legends from decades ago, that brothers pass down stories about from pledge class to pledge class. But he's still winning games for the University of South Carolina.
Spurrier frequents Arby's (see above picture) in suits, tries to start feuds with fellow SEC coaches, and gives negative fucks about most anything but winning. Great traits in a football coach.
5. Rich Rodriguez
Rich Rodriguez, also known as “Dick Rod,” coaches at one of the biggest party schools in the country, so he by default is already a huge frat star. The University of Arizona head coach got fired from Michigan three years ago, but traded in his parka for bro tanks and boards shorts in Tucson, Ariz. Making vodka lemonade out of of lemons, you know what I mean?
6. Bobby Petrino
Bobby Petrino is a huge sleaze. He's that fraternity brother that all the guys warn their sisters and best friends about. This fucker made headlines when he was fired by the University of Arkansas for being a piece of shit. He's married with four children, but hired his mistress to work for him. Then they got in a motorcycle accident and he beat up his face and the whole world found out.
Well, anyway, two years later, he's still coaching, just for the smaller University of Louisville program. Probably still fucking shit up, but keeping it somewhat under wraps.
7. Kevin Sumlin
Kevin Sumlin has swag. Just look at the guy, wearing that pristine white visor with the shades. Sumlin is a former college football player himself, but he's the shit because of his interactions with current players. Sumlin coached our former betchy athlete of the week, Johnny Manziel, which is clue number one. He also apparently partied with Manziel and Rick Ross and was the life of the party.
That's a coach everyone should want to play for.
8. Mark Richt
Mark Richt hasn't been a very good football coach in recent seasons at the University of Georgia. But sometimes, win don't matter, when you take trash-talking to the next level. Richt sent a letter to trash-talking Clemson fans when they started running their mouths, referencing Georgia's superior squad and higher ranking. He claims he didn't do it. But America knows best. Don't dimish your own frattiness, Mark.
9. Dabo Swinney
First of all, this guy's name is Dabo. Second? Listen to a press conference of his. The southern accent is so strong, you gotta have a side of grits to understand him.
He also trademarked his own name, which is equally hilarious and wonderful. The Clemson head coach likes to take jabs at fellow frat star Steve Spurrier. Shit-talking seems to be a common trend between these coaches. #Frat.
10. Jerry Kill
Minnesota Head Coach Jerry Kill makes the list for one reason and one reason only. In a snowstorm, during 11 degree weather, he whipped out an ice cream bar during the middle of the game, on national television. Zero fucks given. At all.